Emotional Intelligence for Entrepreneurs

Most people misunderstand the true potential of your anger. I know that seems weird coming from the founder who ran a love company, but I believe our leadership has space for all the complex emotions of life.

Three years ago in a psychedelic journey, I changed my entire relationship with anger. I experienced ego dissolution and I didn’t know what gender I was. In this genderless state, I had the permission to feel pure, unadulterated rage flowing through me. The image of the Hulk came to me. Surprisingly, I wasn’t punching any walls; instead, I felt powerful, positive energy flowing through my hands.

I never realized how GOOD anger could feel if I let myself feel it without resistance. I also didn’t realize how much being a woman made me feel like I couldn’t embrace anger.

I want you to befriend your Anger and then gasp bring your Anger into your leadership. This is part of understanding emotional intelligence for entrepreneurs.

Modes of Resistance

Everyone has a unique relationship with anger. Some, especially men, fear your anger, worried it will erupt uncontrollably at work or at home. Underneath this fear is often a concern that anger might lead to unfair or cruel behavior. On the other hand, many women report rarely feeling anger, instead experiencing sadness or grief, which can sometimes hinder your ability to set boundaries or voice your needs.

One of my core beliefs is that emotions offer us wisdom and truth that our stubborn logic can have a hard time seeing.

As part of a healing or unblocking process, to resist these emotions is to leave them unmetabolized. Resistance, as they say, is futile. Acceptance is key.

Easier said than done. But I’m going to argue for the inherent truth and power behind your anger, and I’ll train you on how to befriend and use it as a leader. This is essential for emotional intelligence for entrepreneurs.

The first step is identification. For those who struggle to feel your anger, I often point out that what you identify as frustration is actually a professional mask for anger. At the office, it’s safer to say “I’m frustrated” rather than “I’m angry.” Frustration is the tip of the anger iceberg.

In the Passenger Seat

In our journey with emotions, we must recognize that while we are the drivers of our lives, emotions like anger deserve a seat. Most people try to kick your negative emotions out of the car – which never works. They often then climb to the roof of the car, thunking to get your attention and bothering the other passengers.

Anger sits pretty far back in my car at my steady state. When it flows hotly through me, I invite it up to the passenger seat. I take it seriously, dialogue with it (I’ll explain my process next), and I let it keep its seat if it wants to. I try not to let it drive. The driver’s role belongs to me, my highest and most discerning Self.

Let me share a recent example where I sucked at working with Anger. I had just wrapped up work and really wanted to go surfing, which is an activity I enjoy with my boyfriend. I texted and called him, but I didn’t hear back. I didn’t want to go alone. I skipped it, but I had some angst.

I went to his place to walk our dog. Just as I was walking in, he approached sopping wet with a board in his hand. Immediately, I felt the angst go flat out into anger. I angrily told him that I wanted to surf with him but he never invited me. He was surprised because he thought I was getting out of work too late to surf. He felt hurt that I had made him the bad guy.

Reflecting on this, I let my Anger take the wheel. The rush of energy felt good – in the moment. Until afterwards I realized I could’ve used some data before I assumed the worst.

The Buddhists make the distinction between a Hot or Cold emotion. My Anger was Hot and spiky, and that’s the signal that it’s time to contemplate it first. Once the Anger is Cool to the touch (but still has energy), that’s when I work it into action. Here’s a better example of that from when I was CEO of Chewse.

Anger’s Role in Leadership

When I was leading my previous company, I faced a situation where my team lacked urgency, jeopardizing a major project. I was angry…and I didn’t like my anger. I was afraid it would make me impulsive, or I would yell at people and hurt them. I didn’t want to be the kind of person who leads from fear.

But as I dove into my anger, I realized it held important data for me. I believe all emotions have data for us. Bundled with the anger was my truth that the team wasn’t meeting my expectations. I also felt the buoyant sense of urgency it gave me, and it felt GOOD. It felt energetic. So I decided to bring it to the team, but thoughtfully. Here’s how I would advise you to navigate to your anger’s potential:

1. I took my anger seriously. I didn’t downplay or resist it like I normally would. I spent solo time hearing it out and sifting through the data before I shared with my team.
2. Instead of directing my anger at my team, I expressed my anger about the situation. I knew this team could perform better (myself included) and I was candid about my frustration we weren’t moving quickly enough.
3. I didn’t yell, but I did let my heightened energy show. Yelling bubbles up when I don’t feel heard, but I had made the space to share my truth so I didn’t feel that kind of uncontrollable rage. The energy was totally appropriate for a professional setting. In fact, the heightened energy was infectious.
4. I let the anger shift the conversation towards solutions. While anger is the propeller, it’s there to guide the boat. Once the engine was kicked off, I shifted my focus to what we could do to unblock ourselves.

This honest conversation rallied the team. It was a unique opportunity to see Anger as my copilot, not my enemy.

Befriending your anger and channeling it constructively can lead to remarkable outcomes. Anger, when managed well, can offer critical information and drive us to achieve our goals with renewed vigor. This is the essence of emotional intelligence for entrepreneurs.